About a week ago someone shared an image on Twitter (since deleted) of the stages of toxic fandom when the Star Wars hate pushed an actress off Instagram.
What I noted at the time was the stages seemed to exactly mirror an abusive relationship. This is from memory but I believe it went:
Like a thing.
Love a thing.
Control a thing.
Hate a thing.
Destroy a thing.
This is screamed out to me as exactly the stages of an abusive relationship. The link I had didn't quite have it in this order, missing out (to me) the whirlwind of charming behaviour and adoration in the extreme at the beginning of an abusive relationship.
The Charm/Calm Stage
This is the wooing, the winning. The romancing stage. As it is a cycle it is also the apologising stage. The "I'll never hurt you like that again" stage. The "I love you" and "I'll change" stage.
The Tension Building/Controlling Stage
The abuser begins to set limits that narrow and narrow, excluding friends and family. Utter control. The victim tries to change and make the abuser happy. This is a frightening and difficult time.
The Hate/Abuse
Total domination of the victim. Rage, verbal, financial and emotional abuse. Stalking, sexual violence and physical violence. The victim becomes unrecognisable, a shadow of themselves.
Reconciliation/Suicide Threat
It depends on the abuser but this is when they show feeling. It is the excuse stage. "I was drunk". "I've been so stressed out by". "You make me so crazy". "I just love you so much". No-one loves you as much as I love you, and no-one else could". Even under the platitudes, excuses and gifts it is never the abusers "fault" it is usually the victims in some way. There might be gifts, there might be promises, or threats of self harm or death to both the victim and abuser "I can't live without you, I'd rather die".
This cycle repeats. The emotional tension, the drama of it can even become addictive or normal to victims. Victims can and do leave these kind of relationships but the challenge is that once you have been controlled by someone it can be hard to not be controlled again. This all comes from a sense of entitlement and ownership. "You are mine". This extends from their unopened collectables, unread comics, and film franchises. The pattern is the same.
Aside from my issues with Zombie stuff in general (Izombie being an exception) I was disappointed but unsurprised when an ex-girlfriend of a famous fan of all things Geek and Nerdist came forward speaking about their abusive relationship. I felt it almost physically hit me in the body. I also knew it was truth. It also follows the exact pattern above.
I now see a patterns of speaking down, over and ignoring women around him. I now see his zombie obsession was feeding that misogynist entitlement. That he collected people around him like things.
The idea of a zombie apocalypse is usually thinly veiled violent misogyny unleashed. It is power pornography where brutal violence, intimidation and some misguided "alpha-male" bullshit triumph. No time for feelings, community or co-operation. It is a waste land where violence is the only answer. Where men are strong, silent and brooding and usually straight and white. It is Patriarchy concentrate. Anyone not with them is a mindless wandering herd bent on just consuming them. It is fear of age, of community, of "other". You can't talk to a zombie, you can only kill it. Take their things and keep moving.
No the "adorable geek misogyny" is not funny. Its entitled, creepy and gross. Its sitting at a table playing D&D silently seething as male players compete against each other to "win" a woman in a tavern, like a goldfish at a fair. Its in "buying for your boyfriend?" at Games Workshop. Its the silent wall of rules you can't win against, (that don't really exist) when you play in their arena. Its the groper in a crowded shop, store or con. Its the unbridled hate at being the DM's girlfriend/SO. Its being "humped" with a horse in a MMO by someone called Sperminator. Its the abusive relationships by the score geek and nerd girls encounter. Its the choice of speak out and be ostracised or try and laugh it off to stay. Its finding out the guy running your local comic book store was downloading child pornography while you took kids there.
Two things need to happen in this community, our community. Straight guys who see this, guys make awful jokes and treat women as lesser need to be held accountable. Their misogyny makes them blind and if women, LGBTQ+ and POC might as well be zombies growling. We are things, invasive things, scary and terrible that must be destroyed. Call it out. Show them better ways. The other is #MeToo must keep going.
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