Let me start by saying, I don't mean it to be unhelpful. I just realise that some of this might come across witty, or as though I am being funny, and I promise you I am not very funny.
Britain.
Firstly let me say this ancient isle is complex, weird, contrary and beautiful. I actually love this place a lot, which will probably surprise you with what follows.
London.
First and importantly London is not Britain. Well I mean technically in it IN Britain. It is full of British history (and a lot of other peoples history we robbed along the way). London is to Britain what Marmite is to beer. It is its own concentrated concoction that almost bears no resemblance to the substance from which it was derived. Like Marmite it is an acquired taste. I like London but a non-British visitor or even a British one is unlikely to find my London. My London seems pushed further and further away these days. It is the wonderful Polish bakers in Leytonstone, near the church, with a surprise secondhand book markets that pop up. It's pagan moots in Victorian clandestine spaces. It is the book shops and markets.
It is the Tube. It's clack-ta-clack-ta drowning out most thoughts.
London isn't Britain.
Firstly Britain is a bunch of countries in what could only be described as a pretty terrible and unhappy marriage. Wales, Scotland and even Cornwall have their own languages and are fiercely proud and interesting.
Let us start with some simple rules.
If there is a queue for something (a line) that you need; you wait avoiding eye contact until it is your turn.
British rage is deep and powerful, if someone is tutting or grumbling you have crossed a line.
High tea is tourist bullshit and vastly inferior to cream tea which is scones, jam, cream and tea, which doesn't care what time of day it is.
Being chatty in a public space, like a train isn't "friendly" it is intrusive and weird.
English people are British, not all British people are English. Think of the Celtic countries are Native British and the English as colonial British. Call a Scot, English and you have mortally insulted them.
If drinking understand we drink in rounds. One person at a time buys everyone a drink. Always buy your round.
If drinking alcohol was a sport we would be silver medallists (Ireland would win gold). Don't try and compete. It is fine to nurse a drink all night, or not drink at all you're not British!
British transport doesn't make sense. Don't expect to. Think of it like piracy, less timetables and more "guidelines" especially the trains. Give yourself over the the random adventure you have just embarked on and feel free to ask a guard for help.
Do not "do the accent". Just...no.
Tips. This is a weird one. Generally waiters and bartenders are paid a wage that is reasonable and tips or tipping can be rude. Also often waiter and staff don't even get their tips if you leave them. This is why our customer service is not always amazing because it is a sucky job and being "nice" has no particular benefit. This is why chains and chain pubs have terrible customer service and little family places are generally better.
Don't just take the motorway/stick to the cities. There are gorgeous places if you take a step off the beaten path.
Get lost. This is confusing. You will never find the weird and wonderful by looking directly at it. There are random events and random places you will never find unless someone takes you or you are lost. Village fates, jazz festivals, celebration of circus (happened around here recently don't laugh), parades, food festival or competitions; its endless and odd.
Wear sensible shoes and bring a waterproof coat everywhere. Brits walk, and our car parks are usually miles away from where you might be going. You won't need the coat? It's sunny now? Hahahahah, take your coat. Umbrellas are sort of useless if the rain is sideways. Also sunscreen.
Food.
To understand the British is to understand two things. One is the weather (which is unpredictable, cold and damp) and the food. For most of British history if you were wealthy you ate food, and if you were poor you ate a lot less. We are also drunk for most of our recorded history.
This explains our food quite well. The poorer an area was, the weirder the food and the more they drank.
A lot of British food is drunk food or hangover food.
Cheap food, like sausage rolls, kebabs, beans on toast, pot noddles, scotch eggs, chippy chips (which are not fries but fried potato none the less) are awful, and wonderful. They are the Craft Mac and Cheese of Britain. Terrible, wonderful comforting drunk/hungover food that feed people for generations. Soaking up beer, booze and lining the stomach for the next drink is what these carbs were designed for. Usually full of salt and grease, and so much the better for it.
The next level is the sad/bland/ middle-class food, the only decent meal of which is the Sunday roast. You can buy it of course, but it is never the same as one cooked by a Mum, on a Sunday. It is sort of magic. All Sunday lunches must include someone very hungover (or more than one), someone who wants to be somewhere else/ watching something on the TV. Someone no-one really likes but has to invite. Someone who doesn't like a staple of the meal and moans about it and gravy. Not American gravy, made with cream, but made with onions, meat juices and stock. Packet gravy is fine. If you are lucky to be eating with an Caribbean-British family you get the added bonus of more food, including rice, spices and several platefuls and a handy rum hangover.
Two courses of action are available after you have eaten Sunday lunch, a nap or the pub.
Posh food.
Posh food is expensive. Like really expensive. It is usually great and Britain has amazing chefs and brilliant pubs all over. People of the middling sort might save up and go as a treat for a special birthday or some such but most people can't afford to eat this way.
The best British food are usually about context. At 3 a.m. on a freezing night out the wonderful drunken hazy splendour of your local kebab or curry house is hard to explain. Likewise eating a scotch egg on a park bench in the sunshine is a delight. Fish and chips is a chain pub staple, much like steak pie, neither of which will be amazing. They will be edible and unsurprising. How the middle class like their food. Fish and chips is best found at the seaside, wrapped in paper and eaten with tiny wooden forks or fingers as you fend off the savage seagulls. You can still buy directly from the fisherman in certain places in their own little huts. Cockles are a type of tiny clam serves de-shelled, steamed covered, in vinegar and white pepper.
The best food is not stuff you can buy. It is in the homemade chutneys and jams, it is the grans and ma's and family kitchens. That said go wild.
Try haggis, and faggots (a Welsh meatball) and all of the weird regional cheeses. Try them somewhere posh if you like, but try them somewhere cheap and cheerful too. We love a market in Britain and indoor markets have some wonderful weird cafes and holes in the wall. If the food is too stodgy go for a walk. We have some of the most amazing scenery in the world. There are hundreds and hundreds of trails with ancient ruins and follies and haunted histories. If that doesn't make you hungry, I can suggest a country pub!
Sacred sites and history.
We have a lot of history. I mean we literally had a King buried under a supermarket car park! Some sacred sites and stone circles are awful. From Westminster abbey, Stonehenge certain places have been cashed in on and in some cases trashed by their popularity. That said we have such a wealth of stunning and magical places from tiny Welsh churches to stone circles galore. It depends on who owns them of course. Some are on private land, some or open to the public for a token fee, some are free entirely. Whether it is your religion or not be aware that these places might not appreciate photography, loud voices and usually require respect. Don't litter, don't take a bit. Don't graffiti. You might be shocked I have to say this but I have seen caves and standing stones, tree and churches graffitied, littered and disrespected. We have a lot of castles. Some cooler than other. Some ruins. Some with great tours. Edinburgh castle is pricey but cool. Conway castle is stunning. Warwick castle has loads of ren fayre goodness (including jousting).
We also have a huge mount of museums. Some grand, some tiny and obscure. Of course the British museum in London is fine, if a bit...colonial? I don't know; it is a collection of stuff we basically robbed from all over the world nicely arranged. The building is pretty.
The Natural History museum in London is amazing. It feels so excited about the world. Hell on the feet, but worth it.
British Library. Even if there isn't an exhibition or event on it is amazing to be around that many books. I prefer it to the British Museum.
There are lawn mower museums, and hat museums and the witchcraft museum (actually kind of awesome and the cafe nearby has a wonderful cream tea). there are science museums and all kinds of cool stuff regardless of what you are into.
Britain is a strange place. It has weird places, odd people and peculiar foods. It is sort of suffering for a hell of a drunken bender, where it stole loads of things and has been slowly having to give things back with a terrible hangover. The people and the places are a patchwork of myths and stories. As solid as the ancient stones and as mutable as the weather. An open book, all be it one covered in that weird grime that cover menus in greasy-spoon cafes. I challenge you then to find Britain, not my Britain, but your own.
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